Second Draft
I stared at myself in the mirror for quite some time -- gray shirt, baggy sweatpants, untamed hair -- all this sloppiness plus an incredibly messy attitude. I was a scrap of untouched artwork.
My early years of high school was all about keeping low. I didn’t want to stand out and I hated to be the center of attention. I was so cynical to the point where nobody wanted to get to know me. Rather, I didn’t give them the opportunity. There was definitely a reason for the way I acted, a dark event in my life that I wish to keep to myself for now. But that was what primarily caused me to be reserved. But I didn’t care. I didn’t care about how I looked. I didn’t care about what others thought of me. I just wanted to be alone. I despised this idea of being out in the open. What was wrong about just being independent?
Every brush stroke, every ink engraved on my artwork has brought so much joy and relief into my life. It gave me so much joy that it blinded me. I was convinced that I was the cool guy who was better than everyone else. But in reality, I was rude, selfish, and just blatantly mean to others. I brought myself to a point where I had no friends and frankly, I was alone. I guess this was my wake up call; a slap in the face from the dozens of people I have insulted. My reputation had disintegrated and people were unwilling to get to know me like they used to. All of a sudden, I didn’t want to be alone anymore.
I felt a dramatic shift in weight when I opened up. I opened up about my life. I opened up about my sexuality. I opened up and owned up to the mistakes I’ve made in the past. Now, I’ve impressed dozens of people for simply opening up. I locked myself up for so long, thinking it was for the best, and lost my sense of character. Who would've thought that the shy boy in the sloppy outfit would hold so much character. My name is Hiroshi Nakatsugawa and I am a senior in high school who dreams of running around in Ontario, Canada, in hopes of finding a secure job as an illustrator or fashion photographer. You’ll see my name on every magazine and every flash of light will remind you of my photographic art. But for now, I am a boy who loves netflix, fashion, and music that will take you to another dimension. You will find me after school, at the art tables, creating a work of art that you are yet to see.
A benevolent smile runs across my face as I look at myself in the mirror -- khaki leather jacket, black ripped jeans, and of course, my hair with a tad more hairspray than what is considered as “normal” -- my life is an artwork that is yet to be altered and perfected.
Reflection
The first thing I did was read through the whole essay and see if there could be arrangements in the order of paragraphs. I tried switching something things around, but it didn’t seem to work; therefore, the order has remained the same. I also changed a few sentences that seemed a little odd to me. I’ll obviously need another pair of eyes to see if the flow has somewhat improved. Finally, I looked to see if there were any typos and fixed them accordingly. I really probably ask my partner a few more questions to add more detail.
My early years of high school was all about keeping low. I didn’t want to stand out and I hated to be the center of attention. I was so cynical to the point where nobody wanted to get to know me. Rather, I didn’t give them the opportunity. There was definitely a reason for the way I acted, a dark event in my life that I wish to keep to myself for now. But that was what primarily caused me to be reserved. But I didn’t care. I didn’t care about how I looked. I didn’t care about what others thought of me. I just wanted to be alone. I despised this idea of being out in the open. What was wrong about just being independent?
Every brush stroke, every ink engraved on my artwork has brought so much joy and relief into my life. It gave me so much joy that it blinded me. I was convinced that I was the cool guy who was better than everyone else. But in reality, I was rude, selfish, and just blatantly mean to others. I brought myself to a point where I had no friends and frankly, I was alone. I guess this was my wake up call; a slap in the face from the dozens of people I have insulted. My reputation had disintegrated and people were unwilling to get to know me like they used to. All of a sudden, I didn’t want to be alone anymore.
I felt a dramatic shift in weight when I opened up. I opened up about my life. I opened up about my sexuality. I opened up and owned up to the mistakes I’ve made in the past. Now, I’ve impressed dozens of people for simply opening up. I locked myself up for so long, thinking it was for the best, and lost my sense of character. Who would've thought that the shy boy in the sloppy outfit would hold so much character. My name is Hiroshi Nakatsugawa and I am a senior in high school who dreams of running around in Ontario, Canada, in hopes of finding a secure job as an illustrator or fashion photographer. You’ll see my name on every magazine and every flash of light will remind you of my photographic art. But for now, I am a boy who loves netflix, fashion, and music that will take you to another dimension. You will find me after school, at the art tables, creating a work of art that you are yet to see.
A benevolent smile runs across my face as I look at myself in the mirror -- khaki leather jacket, black ripped jeans, and of course, my hair with a tad more hairspray than what is considered as “normal” -- my life is an artwork that is yet to be altered and perfected.
Reflection
The first thing I did was read through the whole essay and see if there could be arrangements in the order of paragraphs. I tried switching something things around, but it didn’t seem to work; therefore, the order has remained the same. I also changed a few sentences that seemed a little odd to me. I’ll obviously need another pair of eyes to see if the flow has somewhat improved. Finally, I looked to see if there were any typos and fixed them accordingly. I really probably ask my partner a few more questions to add more detail.