Changes Made:
In my second draft, I focused on fixing a few errors here and there, and tried to wrap up the whole essay. Since one of my advices was about creating a thesis, I tried to focus on that as well. Suggestions were also made for arranging my paragraphs in different order. But after reading the whole essay a couple of times, it just made sense for me to keep it the way it is.
There was a time in my life when I thought I could use a trumpet as a weapon -- I still do.
I want my musical ability to develop into a career. My musical interest began during the sixth grade because of a video I watched. Perhaps a video of a famous trumpet player or a mind blowing musical piece. As I recall, it was an animated video of a trumpet used as a weapon. Oh, the explosives and the beaming lasers -- it was enough to grab the attention of my sixth grade brain. Bring on the trumpets! Bring on the trumpets! Bring on the trumpets! That one repeated phrase left engraved in my brain, almost as if I was a part of a cult. It’s interesting how a one minute video can lead to a passion -- hopefully not for the wrong reasons, like turning something into weaponry.
Once I realised that a trumpet was not fit for a weapon -- though I am not fully convinced -- I used it for its actual purpose. Joining the school band was the start of all this, so I had no choice but to play an instrument. At the time, the teacher was really strict and he required everyone in the band to practice every single day and keep a record of it. There was no turning back. I’m not going to lie, I slacked off for a while. That’s when my dorm parent would come in and tell me how much potential I had. He knew I could learn to grow a stronger passion with the trumpet. But at this point, I was just playing the trumpet to avoid study periods at my dorm. I practiced for two hours every single day, just so I had an excuse not to do my homework.
My practices were self-taught and I was on my own, until the daughter of my dorm parents came to listen one day. She was much younger than I was, and the piece of metal covered in gold lacquer caught her attention. I couldn’t resist playing a few notes for her when she showed so much interest. Her reaction was priceless. Her face brightened up with joy, she had a huge smile on her face -- she listened. She listened to a series of sound that was rusty and fairly unpleasant for a trumpet. Ever since that day, I wanted to perform in front of more people.
I already had the privilege to perform in front of people at festivals and school events. Performing with a full and clear sound was the challenge. Throughout the four years of my trumpet career, I’ve faced the most challenging piece I’ve ever played yet: Sing, Sing, Sing. Lively, energetic, and fun. It was the kind of song I was anticipating.
I gently press into the valves of my trumpet, whilst the stage lights blind me. I take a deep breath to prepare myself for what was anticipated. And during that one breath, I see past the lights -- the audience, eager to see and hear what was coming next. It filled me with joy and excitement for the encore ahead.
In my second draft, I focused on fixing a few errors here and there, and tried to wrap up the whole essay. Since one of my advices was about creating a thesis, I tried to focus on that as well. Suggestions were also made for arranging my paragraphs in different order. But after reading the whole essay a couple of times, it just made sense for me to keep it the way it is.
There was a time in my life when I thought I could use a trumpet as a weapon -- I still do.
I want my musical ability to develop into a career. My musical interest began during the sixth grade because of a video I watched. Perhaps a video of a famous trumpet player or a mind blowing musical piece. As I recall, it was an animated video of a trumpet used as a weapon. Oh, the explosives and the beaming lasers -- it was enough to grab the attention of my sixth grade brain. Bring on the trumpets! Bring on the trumpets! Bring on the trumpets! That one repeated phrase left engraved in my brain, almost as if I was a part of a cult. It’s interesting how a one minute video can lead to a passion -- hopefully not for the wrong reasons, like turning something into weaponry.
Once I realised that a trumpet was not fit for a weapon -- though I am not fully convinced -- I used it for its actual purpose. Joining the school band was the start of all this, so I had no choice but to play an instrument. At the time, the teacher was really strict and he required everyone in the band to practice every single day and keep a record of it. There was no turning back. I’m not going to lie, I slacked off for a while. That’s when my dorm parent would come in and tell me how much potential I had. He knew I could learn to grow a stronger passion with the trumpet. But at this point, I was just playing the trumpet to avoid study periods at my dorm. I practiced for two hours every single day, just so I had an excuse not to do my homework.
My practices were self-taught and I was on my own, until the daughter of my dorm parents came to listen one day. She was much younger than I was, and the piece of metal covered in gold lacquer caught her attention. I couldn’t resist playing a few notes for her when she showed so much interest. Her reaction was priceless. Her face brightened up with joy, she had a huge smile on her face -- she listened. She listened to a series of sound that was rusty and fairly unpleasant for a trumpet. Ever since that day, I wanted to perform in front of more people.
I already had the privilege to perform in front of people at festivals and school events. Performing with a full and clear sound was the challenge. Throughout the four years of my trumpet career, I’ve faced the most challenging piece I’ve ever played yet: Sing, Sing, Sing. Lively, energetic, and fun. It was the kind of song I was anticipating.
I gently press into the valves of my trumpet, whilst the stage lights blind me. I take a deep breath to prepare myself for what was anticipated. And during that one breath, I see past the lights -- the audience, eager to see and hear what was coming next. It filled me with joy and excitement for the encore ahead.